Gottman Communication Skills
The four horsemen of destructive communication patterns:
Criticism: Attacking the person instead of addressing the issue
Contempt: Expressing disdain or superiority (e.g., sarcasm, mocking).
Defensiveness: Responding to criticism with excuses or counterarguments/facts
Stonewalling: Withdrawing from conversation to avoid conflict
Antidotes to the four horsemen
Criticism -> Use “I” statements: Focus on your feelings and needs (eg, “I feel upset when…”)
Contempt -> Build a Culture of Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude and fondness
Defensiveness -> Take responsibility: Acknowledge your part in the conflict
Stonewalling -> Physiological Self Soothing: Take a break if you feel overwhelmed, then return to the conversation
The Sound Relationship House
The Sound Relationship House Theory key elements for a healthy relationship:
Build Love Maps: Know each other’s world, preferences, dreams, and values
Share Fondness and Admiration: Regularly express appreciation and affection
Turn Towards instead of Away: Respond positively to bids for attention, affection, and support
The Positive Perspective: Maintain a positive view of the relationship
Manage Conflict: Approach conflict with a problem-solving mindset.
Make Life Dreams Come True: Support each other’s goals and aspirations
Create Shared Meaning: Foster a sense of shared purpose and values
Communication Skills
Active Listening: Listen attentively without interrupting and reflect back what you heard.
Validation: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and perspective, even if you don’t agree
Stay Calm: Use calming techniques (deep breathing, pausing) before responding to emotionally charged discussions
Use Soft Start-Ups: Begin conversations gently to avoid defensiveness (e.g., avoid harsh language)
The Magic Ratio
Maintain a 5:1 Ratio: For every negative interaction, aim for five positive interactions to maintain a healthy balance.
Creating a Ritual of Connection
Establish regular practices that promote connection (eg, weekly date nights, daily check-ins).
Conflict Resolution Techniques
Take Breaks: If emotions run high, agree to take a break and return to the discussion when calmer.
Use Problem-Solving Steps:
Identify the problem.
Discuss possible solutions.
Agree on a solution.
Follow up to see how it’s working.
The Importance of Touch
Use physical affection (hugs, holding hands) to reinforce connection and comfort.
Questions for Deepening Understanding
Ask open-ended questions to promote dialogue (e.g., “What was the best part of your day?” or “How do you feel about…”)
Final Tips
Practice regularly: Make a habit of using these tools in daily interactions
Be patient: Improving communication takes time and patience
